Dealing With Rejection on the Dance Floor
Rejection can bring up a lot of emotions… and stories. Stories especially. It’s no different on the dancefloor of a forró party. You ask someone to dance and they say “no”. Maybe not as explicitly, but it’s what it comes down to.
And so instead of feeling the pain that comes with rejection, our brains try to protect us and start telling stories:
- “There is something wrong with me.”
- “They don’t like me.”
- “Something looks off about me.”
- “My dance must look weird from the outside.”
- “I’m not advanced enough”.
- “They only want to dance with the best.”
Do you notice how all these stories have to do with us and our perceived worth, not with the other person? Yes, even the last one. So often, people’s best dance of the night wasn’t with the most technically skilled dancer but with someone they deeply connected with, had a lot of fun with, felt safe experimenting with, and so on.
“Best” is relative.
We all have the tendency to make things about us, to take them personally. Especially the negative things. Yet someone saying “no” to you often has more to do with where they are at and a possible incompatibility between the two of you than with your intrinsic value as a person (or a dancer, or a …).
Someone might truly need a break.
Someone might have wanted to dance with someone else and decided to go for it right when you went up to ask them.
And yes, it is also possible that the person doesn’t want to dance with you specifically but that doesn’t need to mean there is something wrong with you or your dance. Just that at this point in time, your dance isn’t a good match for the other, either because it’s not what they enjoy, or because they’re making assumptions (without having actually ever danced with you).
We can get frustrated at people who say no to us, or we can admit that it hurts, validate our pain, show compassion toward ourselves, and dance with someone who does want to dance with us.
All of this applies regardless of whether someone says no to you once or repeatedly, but the latter can be especially painful. If it happens once, their “no” feels more likely to come from circumstances (tiredness, needing a drink, etc.) than being linked to you as a person.
If someone within your forró community repeatedly declines your invitations, it is more likely to be personal, but it still doesn’t need to be.
I had a situation where I was convinced someone didn’t want to dance with me because 9/10 times I asked them, they said they needed a break. One day, I told them it was okay to just say “no” and they looked at me puzzled. I explained that whenever I asked them to dance (which was only occasionally, as I had already created the story that they didn’t want to dance with me), they said they needed a break. Once I’d shared this, they assured me that they loved dancing with me and just take a lot of breaks. They even sent me a message the next day to assure me it had been a coincidence.
Will it always go this way? No. Sometimes, someone simply does not want to dance with you. That’s uncomfortable, and it can make you question yourself.
One way to look at it that I’ve found helpful, not just on the dancefloor but in life, is this:
You don’t want to dance with everyone, so you can’t expect everyone to want to dance with you.
When it is you
“No, it’s definitely me. Loads of people say no to me,” you might be thinking now. And you know what? Maybe it is. Most probably not, but these are a few good things to check when you feel you’re getting a lot of rejections (either with yourself or with friends):
- Could it be that your embrace is uncomfortable? Do you use a lot of force or place your hands where most people wouldn’t want them?
- Do you keep dancing in the same soaked shirt for hours?
- Do you tend to eat onions or garlic before going to a dance?
- Do you invite people when they’re in the middle of a conversation with someone or clearly about to grab a drink?
I know the topic of sweating and body odours is a sensitive one and easier to manage for some than for others. What’s important is to be aware of it and, if you decide not to change what others might find uncomfortable, accept that you might get rejected over that.
If you notice you get a lot of rejections, you could also ask people for feedback. Yes, that’s something vulnerable to do, and so it’s best first to ask people you feel safe with. They’ll likely appreciate that you want to improve. You can also always ask a teacher you trust, or even someone you’ve danced with once or twice but who now tends to decline your invitations (a lot scarier, but may provide better feedback).
I’ve been rejected. Now what?
Even if the following seems ridiculous, give it a go:
- Stand still for a moment.
- Put a hand on your heart.
- Say to yourself: “Ouch. I really wanted to dance with that person, so it’s normal that this hurts. Let me go find someone I feel safe to ask.”
- Ask someone you’re likely to get a “yes” from. Even better if they’re someone you usually have a lot of fun with.
And what about the person who rejected you?
If they’ve rejected you just once, it could be a coincidence. Asking them again at a future dance gives you the opportunity to
- work through the discomfort of possibly facing rejection.
- see whether the previous “no” was a coincidence.
- dance with this person.
If they’ve rejected you multiple times over the course of several parties, there are three approaches you can take:
- Let it go. Do you really want to dance with someone who clearly doesn’t want to dance with you? Even if it’s someone you could learn from, there are other learning opportunities out there. Not to mention that accepting a clear, consistent “no” might also be the respectful thing to do.
- Ask them every. single. party. you go to. They’ll cave eventually.
- Let it be for a while. Work on your dance. Then, ask them again. If you keep getting a “no,” you might want to stop asking them. “Get the hint,” and all that. But if you keep improving and have no reason to believe this person has something against you as a person (not as a dancer, which is different), try again in a few more weeks or months.
I’d say the exception is if someone clearly looks down on you. Nobody needs that energy in their lives.
Obviously, only two of these three are a good option.
The idea of reciprocity
What if someone usually says “yes” to you but never invites you to dance? That’s a tricky one and a whole other topic I won’t go into now, but I wanted to acknowledge that this too can create a sense of rejection.
A friend of mine shared that she stopped inviting people who she knows have fun dancing with her, but never ask her to dance. I make that decision on a case-by-case basis, depending on how I feel around that person and what it is I want to get from dancing with them.
I want to get better at dealing with rejection
Don’t we all.
But seriously, dealing with rejection is hard for most of us, and getting better at it is a process.
First, you can’t get better at something you never do. There are people who set themselves the challenge to get rejected x times as some sort of exposure therapy. While that may work, there’s no need to be hardcore about it. You could just decide to ask for something whenever you want something (within reason, of course) and accept that you may get a “no.”
Second, rejection stings a lot less when you believe in your worth. When you believe “I’m fun to dance with.” Strengthening that belief is a constant practice.
- Take a moment to integrate it when someone clearly had a good time dancing with you.
- Don’t brush off compliments about your dance, accept them.
- Work on your skills and recognize you’re improving…
- … or, if you don’t want to train, then decide to have fun at the level you’re at.
It’s all easier said than done, I know. But we are the only ones who can help us get better at this. We don’t control who says “yes” to us and how they do it. We can gain control of how we feel about ourselves and our skills on the dance floor.