Moving the Spotlight

“Why do you need to keep getting hurt?”, she asked.
“Because it’s what I know”, I thought.
The thrill of something not being quite right.
Being used to having to fight.
With myself, mostly.
My logical mind trying to change what’s carved into my soul.
Unable to smoothen the edges,
To fill up the lack until they’re whole.
Not yet, at least.

“It’s a process”, I say.
One that isn’t linear but I’m confident I’m on my way.
What used to colonize my mind now takes up limited space,
And when it rears its head, I only rarely give it chase.

The next time she asks me why I need to keep getting hurt,
I’ll tell her that I don’t.
That things are steadily changing, even though it might be hard to see.
That I’m slowly but surely redirecting the spotlight from them onto me.
But it’s heavy and it’s hard and sometimes their pull is stronger.
So if she could, please, bear with me a little longer.