States of Being

As hard as it is to implement, I like how Portuguese makes the difference between ser (“to be”) and estar (“to find oneself in a state of”). It allows us to differentiate between how we define ourselves (“I am a joyful person.”) and that which we believe to be only temporary (“I am experiencing sadness.”).

How we think and speak about ourselves shapes our reality.
How we choose to think and speak about ourselves helps us shape our reality.

What about how others think and speak about us?
Well, we will never truly know, and we most certainly can’t control either.

When someone is open and honest enough to share how they perceive us, this offers a chance for reflection.

Am I this characteristic they see in me? Or is it a temporary state I sometimes shift into?
How does their view of me make me feel and does that mean I need to make some changes? If not in my behavior, then maybe in how much I care about other people’s opinions of me.
And what could their interpretation of my actions say about them?

There is plenty of food for conversation in a sentence that goes something like: “You seem like an x person” or “You are always…”

“Always”
“Never”

Two words that anyone who knows anything about conflict (and other types of) communication has learned not to use.

There is no room for nuance with “always” or “never”.

“Always” and “never” create 2D characters. Flat. Depthless.
“Always” and “never” are decisive, lacking curiosity.
“Always” and “never” leave no room for anything other than a defensive reply, a counter-argument.

Or do they?

Maybe “always” and “never” are exactly what we need to describe our ser. To verbalize who we are at our core. This essence of us that never disappears no matter how much we go through, no matter the coping mechanisms we adopt, no matter how much we pile on top of it because we think we “should” be x, y, or z.

If so, then estar is a reflection of what life brings us. Temporary states we move through. Sometimes elegantly, sometimes stumbling. Not always by choice, but usually – dare I say always – maintaining the power to turn things around.

And when we make that shift, our ser is there to guide us. Not as a distant northern star, but as that center we need to get back to, time and time again.